So I moved all of my furniture out of my flat today in preparation for Moving Out tomorrow.
I’d had this suitcase sitting on the floor between the couch and the wall ever since the day I moved in approximately one year, eight months and four days ago. When I picked up the suitcase, a small-to-medium-sized black spider scurried up it’s disintegrating web onto the skirting board.
I looked closer. It was a fucking Black Widow. How long had it been there? That was irrelevent though, all that mattered was it needed to not be there anymore. As in, dead.
So I slammed a four-pack of playdohs which Leon gave me for Kris Kringle at our Christmas party and I have not yet opened (sorry Leon, just haven’t had time) down on it and it curled up in a little ball in the corner of the carpet and skirting board. I peered at it. It did not move. It looked dead. Unfortunately for spidee, as someone who comes from Darwin and has come into contact with enough Black Widows as well as their equally nasty cousins the Redbacks to last a lifetime, I know they play dead when disturbed. So I poked it with a thing that had a pointy corner, and lo-and-behold it unfurled it’s creepy black body and started to scurry across the carpet. I brought the playdoh four-pack down on it again, hard.
Now this is where it gets weird.
I lifted the playdohs up to inspect the damage, and the fucking thing was gone. Not squished on the carpet. Not squished on the bottom of the Playdoh plastic wrapping. My aim was spot-on; I would have seen it continue to scurry off stage left if it wasn’t. No sign of it anywhere, and believe me when I say I checked the carpet really well.
There are only two ways it could have escaped:
- It teleported somewhere else (one of my shoes, my bed) before the playdohs could make impact.
- It travelled to another dimension before the playdohs could make impact.
Now, we all know that teleportation isn’t real. So I’m leaning towards the second theory and, in fact, am becoming more and more convinced that all spiders are from another dimension.
All spiders come from a Spider Dimension and visit our dimension just to scare the crap out of us because it’s so easy to do and they think it’s hilarious then they go back home again.
What a bunch of jerks.
x Kitten of Doom