The more things change, the more… yeah…

Sometimes I feel as though I have not aged, not since 2000 when I officially became an adult.  I made the transition from confident, popular teenager to not only adult but mentally ill adult all in one smooth easy step.  I didn’t even notice.  I was looking forward to the challenge, independence and autonomy that adulthood promised.  I had been looking forward to it since I was 12; so desperate was I to escape childhood.  I hit 18 and my world caved in – or so I thought.  I reached 21, and my world was on the verge on ending.  2003 was the worst year of my life (August, to be specific), and despite a major uphill turn after that which lasted awhile, it all came crashing down in 2006.  Since then, it has been very much a claw-back-up, slide-back-down sort of deal.  I went to Europe earlier this year thinking I’d lose my demons if I fucked off to the other side of the world.  Foolish in retrospect, I suppose.  Now they’re back with a vengeance.  Sometimes I forget they’re not tangible things, and stress and anxiety push me back into a dissociative state which I find to be more normal than I can remember actual normal life being.  On a good day I can make light of all this and rationalise it all out, play it all down; laugh at how amusing my mentally ill self can be.  But the times where the immature, emotionally-inadequate person who can’t deal with adult life rears her adolescent head, comparing herself with all her peers who have succeeded where she has failed; good days become bad in a second, and these times are increasingly frequent.  What do I do to change; to snap out of it, so to speak? I don’t want to be this emotionally-unstable child-creature forever, achieving nothing and being forever broke.  What a waste of a decade.

x Kitten of Doom

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~ by Kitten of Doom on December 19, 2012.

5 Responses to “The more things change, the more… yeah…”

  1. I totally get it.

  2. *hugs* There is no such thing as wasted time – only lessons learned. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do!

  3. I hear U 2.
    Thanks for sharing this.
    Gav.

  4. I’ve known a few people who have thought that running os to find themselves actually works, when in reality it doesn’t because the things we try to run away from only come back

    we all have down moments, you’re not alone love!
    no one’s life is perfect, we all have our troubles – don’t compare yourself, your life with anyone else because it’s your life not theirs. everyone has different expectations of life
    most of my friends rent or still live at home, they spend their weekends getting hammered & partying – i have a mortgage, another property that i rent out & i spend my time/spare money renovating with my boyfriend, when we do go out we don’t even get hammered anymore..

    i guess what i’m trying to say is everyone is different

    as we’ve previously discussed, i would like to hang out next year, take some photos
    maybe you need a change of scenery? x

  5. It can be a hard slog, and know what it was like for me.
    Always free to chat if need even though we’re in different parts of the world.

    Take care x

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